Zavvi attended PCR Boot Camp this week, and look what we’ve brought back with us to give to one lucky customer…
PCR, the leading magazine for the home computing & tech industry, have kindly given us this Apple TV to give away to one of you.
For a chance to win, all you have to do is simply tell us your best joke.
Comment below, and the joke that makes us laugh the most wins – it’s as simple as that! Go on, make us chuckle…
Closes 11th May 2012. Good luck!
Terms and Conditions apply: http://www.zavvi.com/terms-and-conditions.info
Supporting the PCR Retail Boot Camp are Innergie (Headline Partner), Micro-P (Connected Home Partner), GData, VIP Computers, Arctic, Westcoast, Lygo/Turtle Beach, EntaTech, ESET and Zotac/Kuoda (Platinum Partners), plus AVG, AOC, Philips, Avance Technologies, Computers Unlimited, Koch Media, Autotask, Samsung, TP Link, Wasp, Synaxon, Realtime Distribution, Avance, Cisco and Hama (Gold Partners). CompTIA, Brigantia and the Network Group are also Associate Partners of the event.
560 comments
Chris Thomson
An ice cream man was found dead in his van covered in hundreds and thousands, strawberry sauce and with a flake in his ear. The police believe he topped himself.
May 3, 2012
Steven Quinn
I just spent the money for my wifes epilepsy prescription in the bookies.
She’ll have a fit when she finds out!
May 3, 2012
Christina
I know a joke about Elton John – It’s a little bit funny.
May 3, 2012
Abigail Smith
What has two humps and roams the north pole ?
A: A lost Camel
May 3, 2012
Lee Adams
A man goes into a Library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says “Get lost, you won’t bring it back!!”
May 3, 2012
Tom Charnock
Funniest joke ive heard latly is:
I don’t understand fast food.
I’ve been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.
May 3, 2012
Mark Wray
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are about to board a train to a computer conference. The Microsoft engineers notice that the Apple engineers bought only one ticket between them. The Microsoft engineers ask the Apple engineers how they plan on getting to the conference. “Watch and learn,” one of the Apple engineers tells them.
As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Apple engineers rush from their seats and all squeeze into one restroom. When the conductor comes through the car he knocks on the restroom door and says “ticket please!” The door opens a crack and the one ticket is handed to the conductor. The Microsoft engineers are impressed, and decide that’s what they will do on the trip back.
Then on the return trip, the Microsoft engineers notice that the Apple engineers haven’t bought any tickets. “How do you plan on getting home without any tickets?” they ask. “Watch and learn,” one of the Apple engineers tells them.
As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Microsoft engineers hurry for the restroom. A few moments later, one of the Apple engineers gets up from his seat, knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket please!”
May 3, 2012
barak salem
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
May 3, 2012
Ben Day
I just had a water fight with the neighbour’s kids and I won! They were just no match for me and my kettle !
May 3, 2012
Emily
What cheese do you use to coax bear out of a tree?
Cam-on-bear
May 3, 2012
Si Jackson
My wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.
“It’s not what it looks like!” I told her
“Oh yeah?” she said “Well what is it then?”
“It’s a woman”
May 3, 2012
Vanessa Henderson
A blonde and a lawyer are sat next to each other on an aeroplane. The lawyer, thinking of a quick way to make some easy money, asks the blonde to join him in a game of Q&A.
He says, for every question I ask you, that you don’t know the answer for, you need to pay me £5. For every question you ask me, that I don’t know, I will give you £50.
He then says, first question: “What is the distance in miles between the Sun and the Earth?”
She doesn’t answer, and simply hands him £5.
Her turn, and she asks: “What walks up a hill on three legs, but comes back down on four?”
The lawyer spends ages trying to figure out the answer to the question, but to no avail. He reluctantly hands her £50.
His turn again, and he asks: “What was the answer to your question?”
She hands him £5.
May 3, 2012
Kay
As we all know light travels faster than sound…………this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
May 3, 2012
Conor
Thieves are stealing telescopes off Blackpool front during the night and replacing them with kaleidoscopes.
Police say there may be a pattern developing.
May 3, 2012
Ian Irving-Smith
A crater has opened up on the southbound stretch of the A1. Police are looking into it.
May 3, 2012
Kay
PolIticians and nappies have one thing in common…….they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
May 3, 2012
Kay
Children…..you spend the first two years of their lives teaching them to walk and talk, you then spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.
May 3, 2012
Miguel Aniceto
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
May 3, 2012
Gareth
What’s the difference between Call of Duty: Black Ops and a restaurant?
A restaurant usually has a good host and servers that work.
May 3, 2012
Daniel Rodger
Two zebras pondering
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, “Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?” The other replies, “Well I don’t
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.” So that night he did
and God replied, “You are what you are.” The next day he said to the other
zebra, “I still don’t understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are.” The second zebra responds, “You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.”
May 3, 2012
Jane
How does an apple a day keep the doctor away? When you take careful aim.
May 3, 2012
Rob Baker
Two Mexican outlaws are walking through the treacherous desert, when all of a sudden the smell of bacon fills the air…
“Heeey, amigo! Do you smell that!?” whispers one of the men.
“Yeeeah. It smells like bacon. replies the other. “It’s coming from over there”. Both men look to see a glorious bacon tree in the distance with rashers of crispy bacon hanging from every branch!
“Wait here, amigo” says the first man, and with that he slowly and carefully makes his way towards the bacon tree to get a closer look.
Moments later, silence is broken by the sound of gun fire, followed by the hasty return of the first man…
“WE MUST FLEE AMIGO!” He screams!!
“That is no bacon tree… It is a hambush!!!!”
May 3, 2012
Ross Graham
My friend Kevin was at the gym the other day and found a hole in his trainer the size of his finger.
She wasn’t best pleased.
May 3, 2012
Phil Holton
What weighs 6 tons and wears glass slippers ?
A: Cinder-elephant
May 3, 2012
Lee
Do you know about the richest cow in the middle east?
He is called Milk Sheikh
May 3, 2012
Kay
As the sun rose over Paris island, the senior drill instructor realised that one of his new recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately..after a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructors office. The instructor asked the young recruit ” Why did you go AWOL?”. The recruit replied ” My first day here you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On my second day here you issued me with a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist who proceeded to pull all my teeth. On my third day you issued me with a jock strap and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR”
May 3, 2012
Richard Tricklebank
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are about to board a train to a computer conference. The Microsoft engineers notice that the Apple engineers bought only one ticket between them. The Microsoft engineers ask the Apple engineers how they plan on getting to the conference. “Watch and learn,” one of the Apple engineers tells them.
As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Apple engineers rush from their seats and all squeeze into one restroom. When the conductor comes through the car he knocks on the restroom door and says “ticket please!” The door opens a crack and the one ticket is handed to the conductor. The Microsoft engineers are impressed, and decide that’s what they will do on the trip back.
Then on the return trip, the Microsoft engineers notice that the Apple engineers haven’t bought any tickets. “How do you plan on getting home without any tickets?” they ask. “Watch and learn,” one of the Apple engineers tells them.
As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Microsoft engineers hurry for the restroom. A few moments later, one of the Apple engineers gets up from his seat, knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket please!”
May 3, 2012
mike murray
2 piles of sick walking down the street, when one stops outside a night club and starts crying……….. The other pile of sick asks “why are you crying,?” with that he replys, ” I was brought up here.!” XD
May 3, 2012
Taran Jones
Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
A: Doug
May 3, 2012
Taran Jones
Q: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
A: Douglas
May 3, 2012
Taran Jones
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a paper bag?
A: Russel
May 3, 2012
Taran Jones
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack
May 3, 2012
Taran Jones
Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff
May 3, 2012
Richard Freel
Q.
Want to hear a dirty story?
A
Once Upon A Time a man fell in the mud…the end :^)
May 3, 2012
Taran Jones
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea?
A: Bob
May 3, 2012
David Mcshane
Not So Much Of A Joke As The Type Of Day Im Having At Work
Customer : “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.”
Tech Support : “Tell me what you’ve done.”
Customer : “I typed ‘A: SETUP’.”
Tech Support : “Miss, please remove the disk and tell me what it says.”
Customer : “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.”
Tech Support : “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”
Customer : “What?”
Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?”
Customer: “No…”
Sigh
May 3, 2012
Junail
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well
I was amazed
I never knew they worked
May 3, 2012
Taran Jones
Paddy gets a job as a motorway line painter. On his 1st day he paints 15 miles, 2nd day he paints 8 miles and 3rd day, only 1 mile. His boss pulls him up and say “whats going on?! Your first day was brilliant, now you’re rubbish!”
Paddy says “The bloody bucket is getting further and further away!”
May 3, 2012
Rob Baker
Q: What do you call a man who spams the Zavvi Blog page?
A: Taran Jones.
Oh snap!
May 3, 2012
Richard Freel
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.
It was a bit choppy.
May 3, 2012
Alex Boucher
What do you do if you see a space man?
Park in it, man!
May 3, 2012
Mark Dings
Why do Koopa-Troopas find the world so off putting?
Because they’ve lived a SHELL-tered life
May 3, 2012
Richard Freel
Q. How many monkeys on rollerblades does it take to create a trifle?
A. None, because water is transparent and this makes no sense.
May 3, 2012
Jesse Nandra
Roses are red, violets are blue, gimme that apple tv, or i’ll shoot you
May 3, 2012
Graham Tansey
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bar man “Have you seen my brother Pete in here”
The bar man says “What does he look like?”
May 3, 2012
Graham Tansey
This is one of those joke book titles and author.
Book Title : Nail in the Bannister by R Stornaway
May 3, 2012
John Gilchrist
I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.
May 3, 2012
Alex
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender asks “Why the long face?”
The horse does not respond because it is a horse, so it doesn’t speak or understand English. Confused by its surroundings, it poos on the floor, then gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables along the way.
May 3, 2012
Mandy Hulatt
A man bought a Millipede in a pub after being told it could do anything it was asked to do.
Once home he asked the Millipede to make the tea. The Millipede bought tea to the man within 5 minutes.
Next he asked the Millipede to do the ironing. Again this was done in a very fast time.
The man then asked the Millipede to go to the local shop for a newspaper.
The man waited 15 mins….half an hour…
An hour later the man got worried and went to look for the Millipede who was still in the hallway. When asked why he was taking so long the Millipede replied “Give me a chance
I’m putting my shoes on!’
May 3, 2012
Graham Tansey
Customer walks into a pet shop and says to the shop keeper “I would like a wasp please”
Shopkeeper replies “Sorry but we don’t sell wasps”
Customer replies “But you have one in the window”
May 3, 2012
Chris De Laet
A Welshman is walking along the river, minding his own business, when he spots a man walking along the opposite bank.
The man yells: “Sir! Do you know how I can get to the other side?”
The Welshman replies: “You’re there already!”
May 3, 2012
lee coster
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
May 3, 2012
Richie B
The devil walks into a bar
Everyone fled apart from on guy
The devil asked to the man aren’t you scared.
The man replied, “Why should I be, I married your sister 30 years ago”.
May 3, 2012
Tim Wijne
What does an FBI-agent say to a condom?
.
.
.
.
Cover me, I’m going in!
May 3, 2012
David Magana
Jokes about women’s hygiene aren’t funny….period.
May 3, 2012
paul shotton
paddy walks into the pub with his dog,moves towards the bar to order his drink..
the barman says hello sir what can i get you,paddy say i’ll have a lager….
barman then says to paddy what that dogs breed ..
paddy says its a blacksmith dog..
the barman says gerroff,ive never heard of that breed,you are having me on..
paddy says honestly it’s a blacksmith dog…
the barman says prove it the if its real…
paddy says ok then if you don’t believe me…
if i stick a redhot poker up its bum ,i bet it makes a bolt for the door.
May 3, 2012
Davel lambley
Protons have mass? I didn’t know they were catholic
May 3, 2012
Gemma Beasley
A neutron walked into a bar and asked, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, no charge.”
May 3, 2012
Ali
A girl and a boy who are obviously together are in bed. The girl suddenly shouts YOLO – You only live once, and jumps on top of the boy and starts stripping, the boy reaches to his pocket and takes out a condom, the girl says no theirs no need to, remember YOLO! The boy replies – “Fine then but don’t forget YOYO” – If we have a kid “Your On Your Own”
May 3, 2012
Liam
My girlfriend says “I’ve been secretly poisoning your food since you moved in”, I said “I’ve tasted your cooking, it’s no secret”
May 3, 2012
Konstantin Nemykin
man jumped with a parachute from an airplane during the flight he crap up his pants, landed, and said: Now I know where adrenaline is taken.
May 3, 2012
Kenan Hursit
Paddy and Murphy flying a plane, the flight goes well and their coming in to land! 2 minutes in to the decent Murphy starts screaming at Paddy, “PADDY PADDY SLOW DOWN AND PULL THE NOSE UP, WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE THE RUNWAY”, paddy replies “Dont worree we’ll make it” Another minute goes by and they are getting really close to land! Murphy: “PADDY WE’RE ARE GONNA END UP OFF THE RUNWAY”….Paddy: “DON’ WORREE MURPHY WE’LL MAKE IT” At the last second Paddy touches the nose of the plane down and hits the brakes Hard!!! The plane shudders to a screaching halt at the end of the runway!!!!
Murphy: “Thats a bloody short runway aint it?”
Paddy: “Yeah! But Its Bloody Wide though”!!!!!
May 3, 2012
CAROLINE MCCABE
Q. what do you call a fish on a chess board?
A. a Prawn
May 3, 2012
Tony
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”
May 3, 2012
Sam Curd
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
May 3, 2012
Matt Johnson
“We don’t serve your kind in here!” the barman says. A neutrino walks into a bar.
May 4, 2012
Adam Watkins
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed… Hahaha
May 4, 2012
Rob Baker
I used to work in a sweat shop…
It was so so.
May 4, 2012
Kev Stone
why did the scarecrow win a Nobel Prize?
he was outstanding in his field
May 4, 2012
Armand
What 3 words does a woman not want to hear when she’s have sex?
Darling I’m home!
May 4, 2012
Amanda Johnson
A sausage and an egg in a frying pan. The Sausage says to the egg “It’s hot in here isn’t it” and the egg says “OH MY GOD, A TALKING SAUSAGE !” lol this cracks me up every time (my hubby will not agree he tells me I should only tell jokes if I am really drunk and even then I shouldnt lol”
May 4, 2012
Leandro
Why did the chicken cross the road?
.
.
.
.
.
.
To get to the other side!
May 4, 2012
andre varis
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
“Was it my friend Sam”, he demanded.
“No !” his weeping wife replied.
“Was it my friend Jim then?” he asked.
“NO !!!” she said even more upset.
“Well which one of my no good friends did this then?” he asked.
“Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?” she snapped.
May 4, 2012
Hazel Christopher
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
May 4, 2012
D Dunleavy
What did the constipated mathematician do?
He worked it out with a pencil
May 5, 2012
Paul
Why did the seagull have big, strong wings?
To get to the tip faster than the Scousers!!
May 5, 2012
Apostolos Dimoudis
Tottenham above Arsenal. That’s a joke
May 5, 2012
Stephen
Whats brown and sticky???
A stick
May 5, 2012
Paul
A Welshman is walking along the river, minding his own business, when he spots a man coming towards him. He asks the man “Excuse me, can you tell me where the other side of the river is?”, to which the man points and replies, “It’s over there!”.
The Welshman then crosses the river to the other side and shortly afterwards spots another man coming towards him. He asks the man “Excuse me, can you tell me where the other side of the river is?”, to which the man points and replies, “It’s over there!”.
“Well”, says the Welshman, “that lying git over there just told me that it’s over here!!”
May 5, 2012
mike smith
Why are pirates called pirates?…..
Cos the AAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
May 5, 2012
Paul
What has six legs, is green & brown and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A snooker table!!
May 5, 2012
A Glenny
“You won’t like me when I’m angry.
Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.”
The Credible Hulk.
May 5, 2012
John Service
A short man walks into a bar and notices that there are several steaks hanging behind the bar,
He then asks the bar “Why do u have steaks haning there?”
Barman says “Its a game we play here, if u can use this stick to knock a steak off the wall, u win a free drink. Do you want to give it a try?”
Man replies “Sorry the steaks are too high!”
May 5, 2012
cath cullen
2 best friends sitting at a bar. One says….
What would you say if you found out me and your missus were having an affair and doing unspeakable things to eachother……
The second turns round and says….
I’d say that makes us even…
May 5, 2012
Barrie Phillips
When I was a child the older children would pick on me,they’d cover me in whipped cream,throw chocolate flakes at me and pelt me with cherries……Life was tough in the Gataeu.
May 5, 2012
Alex
Two lemons sat on a table. One says to the other “give us a squeeze”. The other says “Look! A talking lemon!”
May 5, 2012
Alex Hutchon
Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says “Sorry, boys, we don’t serve your kind here.” So the pieces of string walk out again.
They’re sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says “Hey! I’ve got an idea to get me into the bar.”
So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate’s looking at him and thinks he’s gone completely nuts.
Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says “Here, you’re not a bit of string, are you?”
The piece of string replies “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
May 5, 2012
Matthew Burr
David Cameron
May 5, 2012
Matt Delicate
A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Cheesy, but hits the funny bone! ;D
May 5, 2012
Rob Broadhead
There were two owls on a tree and one said to the other “I got married the other day” The other owl replies “You twittawoo”
May 5, 2012
Chris Fletcher
What do you get if you cross a fish and an elephant?
Swimming Trunks!
May 5, 2012
Martin Senitka
Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
May 5, 2012
Gareth Little
A man came to tell Mrs. O’Flaherty about her husband’s untimely death, drowning in a vat of beer at the brewery.
‘Oh, the poor man’ she sobbed, ‘Please, tell me, did he suffer much?’
‘I don’t think so; he climbed out three times to have a wee.
May 5, 2012
donna michael
Two peanuts where walking down the road and one was a salted!
May 5, 2012
Gill Saunders
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Felippe Feloppe
May 5, 2012
John Forbes
Why do gypsies walk funny?
Because they have crystal balls!
May 5, 2012
Nicola Arch
Why did Captain Hook cross the road?
to get to the 2nd hand shop! ha ha
May 5, 2012
Adam Douglas
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
May 5, 2012
capelli stefano
a man walks into an italian CAFE’ …… splash
May 5, 2012
Neil Schofield
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look out for the fresh prints…
May 5, 2012
jon kendrick
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; “No way, you won’t bring it back.”
May 5, 2012
Geraint Williams
There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.
The highlight of the parrot’s day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician’s performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, “It’s up his sleeve, it’s up his sleeve,” or, “It’s down his trousers, it’s down his trousers,” each time ruining the magician’s trick.
Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.
Then one night in the middle of the magician’s performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.
“Alright I give up …” chirped the parrot, “… what have you done with the ship?”
May 5, 2012
Jamie Corr
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yup,” Dave say’s, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw … you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the hell is on the balcony with Dave?”
May 5, 2012
Chris Sparey
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
“I’ve left you a tip.”
May 5, 2012
Chilli Palmer
The credit crunch is hitting hard. I went to an ATM this morning and it said “insufficient funds”.
I was wondering is it them or me.
May 5, 2012
Paul Mellor
What did Data find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?
The Captain’s log
May 5, 2012
Aimee Swift
what wobbles and flies?
a jelly copter
May 5, 2012
Sarah A Fawcett
Piece of string goes into a pub and says, “Pint of beer please landlord”.
Lanlord says, “I’m sorry we don’t serve pieces of string in here”
Piece of string goes outside and ties himslf up pulling bits off himself, then goes back into the pub and says, “Pint of beer please landlord”.
Landlord says, “aren’t you that piece of string that came in earlier”?
“No” says the piece of string, “I’m a frayed knot”
May 5, 2012
Ed Keep
My mates girlfriend is a big girl ,size 28, but bless her she does try and lose the weight,she even went to an aerobics class, she bent,twisted,gyrated,sat down,stood up, jumped up and down for an hour ,but by the time she had got her leotard on, the class had finished.
May 5, 2012
anna m
‘i went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu’
May 5, 2012
paul martin
A turtle was walking down the road when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast”
May 5, 2012
John Tranter
I’ve just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas.
I can’t believe the currant exchange rate.
May 5, 2012
Carrie Brimmell
My husband brought a penguin home yesterday……..I let it slide…..
May 5, 2012
Lee W
Sally was crying,
I asked whats wrong?
She said I fell over,
When? i asked?,
”About 20 minutes ago but i thought you were out”
May 5, 2012
Andrew Petrie
My Wife and I were invited to a dinner party by our good friends John and Jackie.Jackie put on a great spread,her best ctrystal glasses and polished silver cutlery and she laid out a great meal.
When it came to the amin course she served us roast beef and she offered me the baked potatoes.I said “Just one please”,to which Jackie replied “Now come on Andrew,don’t be polite”.So I said “Alright,just one potato you stupid cow”.
May 5, 2012
Samantha Wood
A lifelong Liberal democrat was dying and decided suddenly to change to the Labour party,
”I said youve been a lib-dem for years why the sudden change”?
Because Id rather it was a Labour supporter that died than a lib-dem..
May 5, 2012
Timothy Woodward
I walked into a pet sho and asked for 320 cockroaches, 44 beetles and 12 mice,
The shop assistant said we can supply the mice, but why did you want the other animals???
Because I got kicked out of my flat today and my landlord said i have to leave it Exactly as I found it…
May 5, 2012
Kerry Locke
There are three lovely gay and naked lads – the first was called me me me the second was called me me and the third was simply called me – the first two lads, me me me and me me decide to take a lovely shower together – they called for the third to join them but who was left ?
May 5, 2012
Paul Kelly
A Year 7 Teacher, Ms Turner, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Tom, what’s your problem?’
Tom answered, ‘I’m too smart for year 7. My sister is in the year 9 and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in year 9 too!’
Ms.. Turner had had enough. She took Tom to the Headmaster’s office.
While Tom waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the Headmaster what the situation was. The Headmaster told Ms. Turner he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to Year 7 and behave. She agreed.
Tom was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Headmaster:
‘What is 3 x 3?’
Tom:
’9.’
Headmaster:
‘What is 6 x 6?’
Tom:
’36.’
And so it went with every question the Headmaster thought a year 9 student should know.
The Headmaster looks at Ms. Turner and tells her, ‘I think Tom can go to the Year 9
Ms. Turner says to the Headmaster, ‘Let me ask him some questions.’
The Headmaster and Tom both agreed.
Ms. Turner asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Tom, after a moment: ‘Legs.’
Ms Turner: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The Headmaster wondered why would she ask such a question!
Tom replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Turner: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Tom:
‘Pants..’
The Headmaster sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms Turner: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The Headmaster’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Tom replied, ‘Bubble gum.’
Ms. Turner: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Tom: ‘Shake hands…’
The Headmaster was trembling.
Ms.. Turner: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Tom:
‘Firetruck.’
The Headmaster breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, ‘Put Tom in year 11; I got the last seven questions wrong…’
May 5, 2012
Adina
What do you call a fly with no wings? ….. A walk
May 5, 2012
Susan R
A woman walks into a bar & asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
May 5, 2012
kirstine meredith
It’s 2012 and it’s the Olympics in London.
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but
they haven’t got tickets as they were so overpriced so..
The Scotsman picked up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm
and walks to the gate.
My name is McTavish Scotland I am here for the “Discus” and in he walks..
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it
over his shoulder. Smith from England” he says,
“Pole vault” and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and
tucks it under his arm. “O’Malley, from Ireland ” he says, I’m here for the fencing!!!!!
May 5, 2012
Cheryl Lovell
A horse with a bandage round his head walks into a bar and orders a pint of Guinness, a shot of whiskey and a glass of champagne. He downs the lot and tells the barman “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got”. “why” the barman says. “well I’ve only got £2 and a carrot” replies the horse
May 5, 2012
Joy Wright
A piece of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint, the barman looks at the tarmac and nods to the corner “Looks like mate of yours over there.”
In the corner is a piece of red tarmac.
The first piece of tarmac looks and shudders, “I’m not sitting with him!”
“Why not?” says the barman
“He’s a right cyclepath!” says the tarmac.
May 5, 2012
Joanne Adams
A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
May 5, 2012
John Dodds
Feel this material..
Do you know what that material is?
Boyfriend material!
May 5, 2012
Heather Haigh
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you £10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you £10 he won’t,” said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. “I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the six o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the six o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Television#ixzz1u0hGuVO3
May 5, 2012
Chelsey Grunshaw
“You won’t like me when I’m angry.
Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.”
The Credible Hulk.
May 5, 2012
Lynn Blakeman
Joe came rushing in to his Dad. “Dad!” he puffed, “is it true that an Apple a day keeps the Doctor away?” “That’s what they say,” said his Dad. “Well, give me an Apple quick ? I’ve just broken the Doctor’s window!”
May 5, 2012
simone lee
BE CAREFUL WHAT WE WISH FOR
——————————————————————————–
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be £9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke.’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be £32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man..
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’
The man sighs… pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.’
——————————————————————————–
May 5, 2012
Anna B
How much fun does a monk have?
Nun.
May 5, 2012
jason walsh
nice to see so many openly racist irish jokes on here. what next? “nigger” or “paki” jokes?
Or isnt that acceptable?
Disgusting Zavvi.
Shall we see how many Irish people are offended by you openly printing these openly racist jokes?
May 5, 2012
Natasha Brewster
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu
May 5, 2012
Deborah Graham
People in Dubai don’t get The Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do.
May 5, 2012
matt
A sergeant major is inspecting his newest recruits and picks on one small lad in the front row.
“What’s your name, Private?”
“Pizza.”
“I don’t think you heard me son. I didn’t ask your favourite food. What’s your name?”
“Pizza.”
“You think you’re smart son? I don’t want nicknames or any of that street slang. I want your name. The one your mummy gave you. This is your last chance. What is your name.”
“Pizza.”
The sergeant grabs the helpless soldier and kicks the living daylights out of him then calls to another lad.
“Let this be a lesson to you all! Take this joker to the medical room!”
“Yes sir” replies the soldier “And what shall I do with Pete’s rifle?”
May 5, 2012
Ali Johnson
What do ya get if you cross a cat with a platypus, and then it crosses the road?
A Flattycattypuss!
May 5, 2012
Nicole Constable
Paddy and Murphy, sitting next to each other on a plane
Paddy says to Murphy, “If this plane turns upside down, will we fall out!”
Murphy says, “NO I’ll still talk to you!”
May 5, 2012
Gavin Pheasant
Did you hear that Samuel L Jackson has just passed his driving test?
He’ll now be known as Samuel Jackson
May 5, 2012
erez
Three girls a black, a redhead and a blonde meet a witch with a mirror, the witch tells them “it’s magic mirror if you tell the mirror the truth it will give money and gold and diamonds”, but if you lie you will disappear. The three girls moved to the mirror one by one:the Black girl said:”I think I’m the most beautiful Girl in the world”, and disappeared. The redhead said:”I think I’m the world’s funniest Girl”, and disappeared. The blonde said:” I think ” … And disappeared
May 5, 2012
Alec Brown
I’ve just read a great novel about the mysterious death of a fairgound worker on a rollercoaster. Unexpected twist at the end.
May 5, 2012
Leanne Abel
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
May 5, 2012
Tracy Mulligan
Why did the skeleton not eat dinner?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
May 5, 2012
Jake
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”
May 5, 2012
Karen MacLean
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list,
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,
so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here
who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
“No,” Obama said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and
I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day,” commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah
man, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said………..
“OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”
May 5, 2012
Wendy Collard
A chicken and an egg lying in bed together smoking a cigarette. One says to the other: “Well that solves that then”.
May 5, 2012
Danielle
Have you heard about the coffee shop selling the new ‘Oasis’ soup?
You get a roll with it
May 5, 2012
Linda Osborne
Doctor, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
May 5, 2012
paula burnside
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties…” The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, “We will never forget you.”
May 5, 2012
Natalie
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
May 5, 2012
lesley crosbie
I was swimming today at the local baths, and decided to have a sneaky wee in the deep end.The life-guard must have noticed cause blew his whistle so flipin loud, I nearly fell in!!!!
May 5, 2012
Stephanie
Two oranges were sat in a pub, one says “Your Round”
May 5, 2012
Pete A
Horse walks in to a bar, barman says ‘why the long face’?
May 5, 2012
ANNE BAXTER
A man walked into a bar and said ‘Ouch! Who left that there?’
May 5, 2012
Gareth
Q.What happened to the frog that broke down on the motorway?
A. He got toad away.
May 5, 2012
lorna garratt
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
May 5, 2012
kasia
Just been groped by a group of mime artists. They did unspeakable things to me.
May 5, 2012
Louise Comb
Q) What’s brown and sticky?
A) A stick
May 5, 2012
paul n
after today fascupfinal, the best joke is Liverpool’s defence.boom boom.
May 5, 2012
Trish Wilson
Told to me by my 7 year old son
“What sort of bats live in trees?”
“Batrees – batteries – geddit?”
Well it’s funny if you’re 7!
May 5, 2012
angela sandhu
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
May 5, 2012
Tom Bradshaw
Two biscuits walking down the street.
The 1st biscuit says, “So where do you live?”
The 2nd biscuit says, “I’m not telling you, you’ll nick my washing!”
May 5, 2012
holly
Q:Why didn’t the two worms go into Noah’s ark in an apple?
A:Because everyone had to go in pairs !
May 5, 2012
Joanne Goodridge
I farted in a lift…..it was wrong on so many levels
May 5, 2012
Melli Peakman
My friend set me up on a blind date
He said : She’s a lovely girl, but you should know… She’s expecting a baby
I felt a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy
May 5, 2012
Andrew finch
how can u tell a irish man in a car wash he is the only one sitting on a motorbike
May 5, 2012
Jack Sheppard
My girlfriend called me sarcastic the other day.
Which was great.
May 5, 2012
James Child
Two cannibals are sitting around eating a clown. The first turns to the second and asks, “Does this food taste funny to you?!”
May 5, 2012
Mark goodman
if your driving down the road and there are signs for road works, and get stuck in the traffic surely the road doesn t work!
May 5, 2012
Nicola B
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
May 5, 2012
Geoffrey Fortt
Two old ladies were sat on a park bench when a man in a trench coat approached them,he stood in front of them and opened his coat flashing everything,one old lady had a stroke ,the other one couldn’t reach…..
May 5, 2012
Ken
I heard about a girl who paid a fortune to have wooden breast implants!
It would be great if I had a punchline for this joke…wooden tit?
May 5, 2012
Laura
How does Super Mario see into the future?
By using a Luigi board.
HAHAHAH! Never gets old! ;D
May 5, 2012
Ian Brooks
People say Prison does n’t work.
But Nelson Mandela has n’t reoffended has he?
May 5, 2012
anthony smith
Q)whats orange and sounds like a parrot
A) A carrot!!!
May 5, 2012
Rachel Tomlinson
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, “Ooh dad, there’s one.” “No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.”
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, “Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough.” “No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.”
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.”
“No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.”
“Why not?” asked the son.
“Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”
May 6, 2012
jon
Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot
May 6, 2012
Stephen Irving
Went to Weight Watchers last night. Opened a pack of maltesers and threw them all over the floor…
best game of hungry hippos I’ve ever seen!
May 6, 2012
Toby Curran
Why did nobody turn up to Thor’s brother’s birthday party?
Because he was trying to keep it Loki!
May 6, 2012
neil bradley
A woman walks into her doctors office
“Doc you have to help me”
“What seems to be the trouble?” asks the doctor
“My husband can’t do it any more” the woman replied
“Well try these tablets, put them in whatever he’s drinking, Tea,Beer,Coffee,Milk whatever but stand back because they work fast,come back and see me on Wednesday”
Never mind Wednesday 1st thing Monday morning the doctor’s office door flew open and there was the woman again.
“Did the tablets work?” asked the doctor
“Yes” replied the woman “He was drinking coffee,I put a tablet in his coffee after just one sip he was straight across the table at me, WALLOP THERE WAS CUPS AND SAUCERS IN THE AIR! UNDER THE TABLE! UP THE STAIRS! IT WAS BLOODY MARVELOUS!”
“I knew they would work sorry about the cups and Saucers” said the doctor
“thats ok” said the woman “we’re not using that restaurant again”
May 6, 2012
Phil Darling
I saw a cowboy driving a german car. He wound down his window and said ‘Audi’
May 6, 2012
Rasmus
Why did the bank robber take a bath…?
So he could make a clean getaway, hehehe….
May 6, 2012
Jordan O'Donnell
I saw a French footballer playing on a Nintendo earlier.
It was Thierry on WII
May 6, 2012
Simon Maisey
I bought my Grandad a Stannah stairlift recently.
But I had to take it back, he absolutely hated it. It just drove him up the wall.
May 6, 2012
Gemma
A good friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it finally happened he was chuffed to bits!
May 6, 2012
Andy Smith
I had a friend at school who was born with his feet on the wrong way around.
In the summer, he would wear flop-flips.
May 6, 2012
PaulS
Have you seen Farmer Giles and his magic tractor?
He drove it down the road and it turned into a field.
May 6, 2012
J McClelland
I went into the bank and asked the teller to check my balance, so he pushed me over.
May 6, 2012
shaun doherty
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
May 6, 2012
Sophia Kearney
I’m in great mood today because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.
May 6, 2012
Lynsey Pinz
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
With Jam-in!
May 6, 2012
Liz Simpson
I don’t like lollipop ladies. They make me cross.
May 6, 2012
Louise Smth
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied
May 6, 2012
Jilly P
Where was Granny when the lights went out?
In the dark.
May 6, 2012
Gaz Hughes
a recently discovered eqyptian mummy was found to be coated in chocolate and nuts underneath his bandages….its believed they have discovered Pharoah Roche!
May 6, 2012
liz denial
Who says women can’t park cars? Somebody left me a lovely note on my windscreen the other day saying ‘Parking Fine’!
May 6, 2012
anthony patch
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
[I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .” don’t do that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
I saw a poor old lady fall over today at the shopping mall !! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting 5 & 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloomin thing.
Local Police hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.
got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
May 6, 2012
Kate Holderness
Q)What did 0 say to 8?
A)Nice belt.
May 6, 2012
JoC
What’s the shortest sentence in the English language? ans: “I am”, and what’s the longest? “I do”
May 6, 2012
Jane Amess
The wife left me because she said I was obsessed with pasta… its left me feeling cannelloni!
May 6, 2012
Kim
What do you call a deer with no eyes?… No idea!
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?…Still no idea!
May 6, 2012
Peter Gilby
If Girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with one leg work?
IHop
May 6, 2012
Stephen chandler
A man visits the doctor wearing only cling film, he says
“Doctor, I think I’m losing my mind”
Doctor replies:
“I can see your nuts from here!!!
May 6, 2012
helen hutchinson
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Coz it was stuck on the chickens foot
May 6, 2012
Chris McGivern
A married couple go into an antiques shop and start looking at a selection of mirrors. The salesman comes over and asks if he can help. The wife says “can you tell me why this mirror is £100 more than this other mirror? They look the same”. The salesman replies that it is a magic mirror, and whatever you wish for will come true. “Wow!” says the couple, “we’ll take it!”. The couple rush home and place it on their bedroom door. “Shall I try it out then?”, says the wife. “Sure, go for it”, says the husband. So the wife chants, “mirror, mirror on the door, make my breasts become a 44″. And within seconds, her breasts grew to that exact enormous size. Amazed, the husband demands he has a turn. He rushes to the mirror and chants, “mirror mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor”. So his legs fell off!
Boom boom!
May 6, 2012
Tim Ford
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
May 6, 2012
Matthew Guy
Which kind of bees make milk? Boobies!
May 6, 2012
Rachael Lines
I would tell you my joke about the butter, but you would probly spread it!
May 6, 2012
Debbie Timms
Why did the bald bloke stick his head out of the window? To get some fresh hair!
May 6, 2012
Callum
Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
May 6, 2012
Armin
At a party, a woman comes up to a man and tells him: “I’ve heard that you never say more than two words. I’ve made a bet with my husband that I’ll make you talk more.”
The man replied: “You lose.”
May 6, 2012
scarlett
What do you call a man in a paper bag? Russell!
May 6, 2012
Alison E
Alison: Doctor Doctor i took your advice and ate an apple a day and now I think i’m a TV.
Doctor: (inspecting more closely) mmmm you look pretty amazing to me – versatile, Sleek, able to stream wirelessly and play the latest itunes and films direct from my iphone…even in HD…..but I’m sure there must be an app we can find to help you!
May 6, 2012
James Spicer
One armed butlers. They can take it but they cant dish it out
May 6, 2012
antony beswick
I was browsing the web and I came across a page called conjunctivitis.com, and I thought ” That’s a site for sore eyes!”
May 6, 2012
antony beswick
can I post another?
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.
or
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
May 6, 2012
Trish
The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away.
May 7, 2012
Andy D
Two Cannibals eating a clown. One turns to the other and says “Do you think this tastes funny?”
May 7, 2012
Rob Melton
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
May 7, 2012
Peggy
What do witches send on their mobiles?
Hex messages!
May 7, 2012
andy moore
The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards. “No mis” he replied!
May 7, 2012
Ryan Orchard
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
May 7, 2012
Matt Black
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi’ Jammin
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.
May 7, 2012
Brad Allen
A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
May 7, 2012
Diane Dekker
Unfortunately I don’t know any jokes, but my kids made this little movie, maybe it makes you smile?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5wV11w0mQc
We would like very much to win an Apple TV!
May 7, 2012
Suzanne Cooke
3 men in a desert find a magic lamp.
The genie grants them 1 wish while travelling down the genie’s magic slide, whatever they wish for will be at the bottom.
The first man slides down and shouts “lots of booze”, he lands in a pool of whisky.
The 2nd man slides and yells “loads of money” he lands in a mountain of coins.
the 3rd man who wasn’t listening flew down the slide and shouts “wee”…………..
May 7, 2012
Lyn Bosomworth
I have just got back from taking my 6 year old grandson to Washington Wild Fowl Park. When we were walking around one of the large ponds, he noticed that there were duck feathers everywhere. “Look Nanna, someones been trimming the birds”
May 7, 2012
Charlie
a blond, brunette and ginger girl got stuck on a desert island.
they could see a island near which was civilised.
the brunette attempted to swim across but drowned halve way there.
a week later the ginger girl attempted to swim. she got three quarters then drowned.
Afterwards the blonde attempted swim. she got half way then realised it was too far and swam back.
May 7, 2012
Phillip
A doctor doing his rounds in a Mental Hostpital.
He goes into the ward and there’s a patient going,
Vrum vrum. vrum vrum, vroom
Doctor -What you doing?
Patient -Driving my Porche
Doctor -You’ve got no car
The patient in the next bed say’s,
You shouldn’t have told him that,
I get 20.00 a week for washing that car
May 7, 2012
Ian Green
I sat on the edge of the bed last night pulling my boxers off,and my wife said “i wish you would,nt do that to them dogs”.
May 7, 2012
Jason gradwell
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs……enough times that her husband finally asks,
“Are you wearing crotchless panties?”
“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.
“Thank god – I thought you were sitting on the cat”
May 7, 2012
Steven
I walked into the DIY shop. “Excuse me,” I asked, “have you got any 6 inch screws?”"Only what we’ve got on the shelf,” replied the cashier, pointing.I don’t know why he’s selling these, I thought to myself as I unscrewed them and the shelf fell down.
May 7, 2012
Micke
One man calls emergency:
– Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
– It is OK, I found another one.
May 7, 2012
Olly
A fish swam into a wall. Dam
May 7, 2012
joeb
Where do Pirates like to shop?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGos
May 7, 2012
Mat
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
May 7, 2012
suzanna gentle
Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are closed. The other hunter takes out his mobile phone and calls emergency services. “My friend is dead!” he cries to the operator, “What can I do?” The operator, in a calm voice says: “Don’t worry. I can help. First, make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Bang! The hunter’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
May 7, 2012
Elliot dawson
Dyslexic man walks into a bra….
May 7, 2012
Inga
What bees have milk……..boobies
May 7, 2012
Sue Bell
At the clinic, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.
The health visitor explained that the scales were not working, but said that she would work the babys weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
That won’t work, said the woman.I’m not the mother, I’m the aunt.
May 8, 2012
VIKKI SIMMONS
Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.
May 8, 2012
P
Why did the apple stop rollinh down the hill?
Because it ran out of juice
May 8, 2012
stuart w
I was in town today and when I was walking past superdrug a woman stopped me and asked me to fill in her survey. She asked the question where do I do most of my grooming? she seemed a little bit shocked when I said Facebook.
May 8, 2012
Kristina
This is going to take me agess to type so I hope you enjoy. Here it goes
At primary school a little girl had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they all had found out, the first little girl walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
“It’s a period,” said the little girl.
“Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”
“Damned if I know,” said the little girl, “but this morning my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mumsxx fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”
I thought itwasfunny anyway.. Good luck everyone
May 8, 2012
jon kendrick
Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
“Okay,” I said. “You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I’m never gonna give you Up.”
May 8, 2012
Jamie Gardiner
I was driving in my car the other day when I got a call from my boss, telling me I’d got a promotion… I nearly lost control of the car, 10 minutes later he called again to say I’d got another promotion, once again I swerved my car with the news…. Another 10 minutes passed and he called yet again to say I’d been promoted to Managing Director, this time I completely lost control of the car and ended up in a ditch… When the police arrived, they asked me what had happened? I replied “There’s nothing to worry about officer, I just careered off the road!”
May 8, 2012
Vicky Carter
Three drunks were sitting at a bar.
The first one said… “I went in my daughter’s room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes.”
He paused. “I didn’t even know she smoked!”
The second drunk said… “I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn’t even know she drank!”
The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..
“I can beat that! I went into my daughter’s room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!”
He paused…
“I didn’t even know she had a penis!!!”
May 8, 2012
James Dally
Drum Kit falls off a cliff.
Ba-dum Csssh!
May 8, 2012
Mark
Person 1 – Knock knock
Person 2 – Whose there?
Person 1 – Twitter
Person 2 – Twitter who
Person 1 – I didn’t know an owl lived there
May 8, 2012
k dunn
why did the elephant take toilet roll to the party?
because he was a party pooper!
May 8, 2012
a kane
MAN: DOCTOR, DOCTOR HOW DO YOU GET RID OF A FROG IN MY THROAT?
DOCTOR: TRY A TOAD IN THE HOLE
May 8, 2012
Stacey Webb
Went to the doctors and said ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ He gave me a kite
May 8, 2012
Frances Heaton
Why did the chicken dating agency go bankrupt?
They couldn’t make hens meet.
May 8, 2012
Tony
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 78 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 78 year old mother says “not yet.” A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says “not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?” And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
They ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”
May 8, 2012
Stuart B
If you get attacked by a mob of clowns go for the juggler.
May 8, 2012
Gary Humphrey
Why didnt the skeleton go to the party ?
Becasue he had no “body” to go with
May 8, 2012
Jeremy Hards
An Englishman, A Sccotsman and an Irishman go into a bar and the barman says “What is this, some kind of a joke?”
May 8, 2012
kazim
A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband:Shut up, you’re next
May 8, 2012
hasan
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
May 8, 2012
gem
How much did the ice cream man pay for his van? Hundreds and thousands!
May 8, 2012
andi g
Two eggs were frying in a pan, the first egg said “Blimey, its hot in here”, the second egg said “Eeeeeek, a talking egg”!
May 8, 2012
susannah southurst
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then
May 8, 2012
Hazel Rush
A duck walks into a bar and the bartender asks “what can I get you?”
The duck replies ” have you got any bread?”
Bartender: ” no sorry”
Five minutes later…
Duck: “have you got any bread?”
Bartender: ” sorry I told you before no I haven’t got any bread”
Another five minutes later….
Duck: “have you got any bread”
Bartender: ” I told you n
NO! If you ask me one more time I’ll nail your beak to the bar!”
Five minutes later…
Duck: ” have you got any nails?”
Bartender: “NO!”
Duck: “ok have you got any bread?”
May 8, 2012
Pia Rachael
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!
Doctor: “Now, you see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?”
May 9, 2012
Julie Shepherdson
Why did the Irish get the potatoes and the Arabs get the oil? Because the Irish had first choice.
May 9, 2012
Iain
What’s got 8 legs and 1 eye?
2 chairs and half a pigs head.
May 9, 2012
Michelle Bamber
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
May 9, 2012
Christopher Mckendrick
A man walks in into a bar with a giraffe and they take a seat at the bar. The man orders them both a drink, and they proceed to drink hard together, downing shots, pints, wines and spirits in rapid succession. After an hour or so, both the man and the giraffe are steaming drunk and swaying everywhere. The giraffe falls off his stool and lies on the floor, filling the floor of the bar, and the man stands up to leave. As he reaches the door, the barman says: ‘Oi mate, you can’t just leave that lyin’ here.’ The man replies: ‘It’s a giraffe mate.’
May 9, 2012
Jackie ONeill
Two men are in a bar. Bob says “I think I’m going to divorce my wife as she hasn’t spoken to me in two months”. Joe thoughtfully says “you better think it over Bob, women like that are hard to find”.
May 9, 2012
james McCann
I wanted to be a milkman but I didn’t have the bottle
May 9, 2012
Geoffrey
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
May 9, 2012
john meredith
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game……
May 9, 2012
Alastair Jones
There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”
May 9, 2012
Solange
Did you hear about the insomniac atheist dyslexic?
He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.
May 9, 2012
Doug M
What do you call a three eyed pig?
“PIIIG”
May 9, 2012
Chris Doney
Have you ever got half way through a horse and realised you were not as hungry as you thought?
May 9, 2012
Clive Bishop
Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie
May 9, 2012
Cindy
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
May 9, 2012
Olivia B
Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
“Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
“Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
May 9, 2012
Connor
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
May 9, 2012
Adam Rigely
-How many people is needed to change Chuck Norris’s light bulb?
-Zero. Because his light bulb doesn’t dare to go off.
May 9, 2012
Owen
What’s big, grey and has sixteen wheels?
An elephant on rollerskates!
May 9, 2012
Matthew Ford
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, “sodd off, you won’t bring it back.”
May 9, 2012
Barry
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate
May 9, 2012
Marc DJay
Where does a fish keep its money?
In the river bank
May 9, 2012
Lucas
A Neutron come’s to a bar and ask for a drink, then he asks the bartender how much it is.
Bartender: For you no charge.
LOL
May 9, 2012
hannah howie
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
May 9, 2012
Robbert
A. “What mouse walks on two legs?”
B. “I don’t know”
A. “Minnie Mouse”
A. “What duck walks on two legs?”
B. “Donald Duck!”
A. “All ducks walk on two legs, you idiot!”
May 9, 2012
Caroline Cummins
Went to the Zoo the other day but all they had was one dog!!
It was a Shihtzu
May 9, 2012
Linda Hammond
2 fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says
can you drive this thing??
May 9, 2012
Anthony Paul
Patient: “Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I’ve got some cream for that.”
May 9, 2012
Alan Johnson
When Chuck Norris wants an Egg, He Cracks open a chicken
I always liked that one.
May 9, 2012
Sean Duffy
I went for a job at a factory making mirrors……..I can really see myself working there.
May 9, 2012
Chris Faerber
What do u get if u cross an apple with a shellfish ???? ….
A crab apple ! Ta dah
May 9, 2012
Michael Shore
A unicorn trots into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of lager.
The barman pours the pint and says “That’ll be five pounds, please and by the way we don’t get many unicorns in here”
The unicorn says “at five pounds a pint, I’m not surprised.”
May 9, 2012
Nicola Green
2 snowmen in a field, one says to the other, can you smell carrots?
May 9, 2012
elaine fletcher
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Phillipe Flop
May 9, 2012
bill hope
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants s*x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
May 10, 2012
Alison
What are the strongest creatures in the sea? Mussels
May 10, 2012
Sonia Forster
Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out?
Yes, over there- the same way that you came in!
May 10, 2012
Ed
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, “Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.”
lol!
May 10, 2012
Tom Edwards
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. ‘I’m sorry,’ St Peter said; but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’
‘That’s cool’ said the Blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’
‘Just three questions’ said St Peter.
‘Which are?’ asked the Blonde.
‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’ ‘?
The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year?’
The third is ‘What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’
‘Now,’ said St Peter, ‘go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.’
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, ‘I have.’
‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’
The Blonde said, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
‘Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?’ St Peter went on, ‘how many seconds in a year?’
The Blonde replied, ‘Twelve!’
‘Only twelve?’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure?’
‘Easy,’ said the Blonde, ‘there’s the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.’
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, ‘I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’ And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. ‘I’ll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’
The blonde replied: ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.’
‘Really!’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘And what is the answer?’
‘It’s Andy.’
‘Andy?!?’
‘Yes, Andy,’ said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked ‘How in God’s name did you arrive at THAT answer?’
‘Easy’ said the Blonde, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.’
And the Blonde entered Heaven…
… you’re singing it now, aren’t you…??
May 10, 2012
Dominique Bailey
Did you hear about the fight that broke out in the local chippy the other day?
I heard some fish got battered.
May 10, 2012
layla fletcher
How do you make your nose dance?
You put a boogie in it lmao
May 10, 2012
Joanne Sutton
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”
May 10, 2012
Jason
I phoned Customer Support and they said, ‘Jason, if you’re having trouble with http://www.zavvi.com, don’t call us. You should consult the Webmaster.’ I said, ‘Fine.’ So, I called Spiderman.
May 10, 2012
Jasper
Vidal’s died.
Sassoon?
Well he was 84.
May 10, 2012
Stuart Kelly
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know… She’s expecting a baby.”
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
May 10, 2012
katrina day-reilly
A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; “F*ck off you won’t bring it back”
May 10, 2012
Patrick moran
2 cows are standing in a field. One of the cows says to the other cow, What do you think about this mad cow disease?. The other cows says, Dosen’t worry me I’m a helicopter.
May 10, 2012
John Taggart
Just heard on the news Hairdresser Vidal Sassoon’s dead – apparently he just curled up and dyed!
May 10, 2012
Carl
What’s brown and sticky…
A stick.
May 10, 2012
Carl
A tramp walks into a shop and asks for a bottle of turpentine. The cashier looks him up and down and replies ‘No chance, you’ll drink it.’
The man denies this and insists, again the cashier replies ‘No way, you’ll drink it.’
The man then explains that he’s painting his daughter’s flat explaining he needs the turps to clean the brushes, and why his appearance is extremely shabby.
After considering the tale, the cashier relents and hands over a bottle, the man enquires ‘haven’t you got a cold one?’
May 10, 2012
Kerry Webber
Two elephants fell off a cliff.
Boom, boom!
May 10, 2012
jalila djelassi
two cows in a field,
one cow says `mooooooooo`
the other cow say ` funny i was just gonna say that`!
May 10, 2012
jo maxted
Walking my daughter to school this morning when some bloke throws a lump of cheese at me.
I turned around and said yeah very mature!
May 10, 2012
jill louise-D
a banana and a vibrator are on the bedroom side,
the banana says ` i dont know what you`re shaking for, shes gonna eat me`!!
May 10, 2012
Kim Lam
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
“Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily coffee’.”
The Pope responds, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed.”
Well,” says the Nescafe man, “We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily
bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily coffee’.”
Again, the Pope replies, “That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed.”
Finally, the Nescafe guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million – that’s half a billion quid – to the great Catholic
church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily coffee’. Please consider it.”
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
“There is some Good news,” he announces, “and some bad news….. The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million.”
“And the bad news, your Holiness?” asks a Cardinal.
“We’re losing the Hovis Account. “
May 10, 2012
adrian bonningtoin
A gorilla leaves the jungle and he sees a watering hole with a lioness drinking water. He sneaks up on her and starts giving her one. He runs off back into the jungle and the lioness chases him. Lucky for the Gorilla he comes accross an explorer dressed in a hat, sat on a deckchair,reading the paper. The Gorilla beats his chest the man leaves his hat, paper, sunglasses and chair behind which the Gorilla puts on and sits down reading the paper. When the lioness comes by, she asks have you seen a gorilla, the gorilla replies the one who had you by the watering hole. She replies I didn’t know it was in the morning papers already.
May 10, 2012
Sally Smith
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
“Windows frozen.”
Husband texts back:
“pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back 5 mins later:
“computer completely knackered now.”
May 10, 2012
Rob
A plumber gets home from work early and finds his wife in bed with another man. “Its over flo” he tells her.
May 10, 2012
Stuart Luke
Roses are red
bacon is red
poems are hard
bacon
May 10, 2012
c tindale
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot……………….
A CARROT!!!!!!!!!!
May 10, 2012
Andy Hockley
I was hoping to make my pet snail go faster by removing his shell.
But if anythng its made him more sluggish!
May 10, 2012
Mark Whittaker
I thought my new girlfriend was great. But after nosing through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, i dumped her … It’s obvious, she can’t hold down a bloddy job
May 10, 2012
Lance Paterson
Noted this week that famed hairdresser Vidal Sassoon has died: a life tragically cut short, but with a perfectly graded fringe and fabulous bangs.
May 10, 2012
Katie Coldicott
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
Baboom!
May 10, 2012
Jack Keene
A brain and a set of jump leads go into a pub and wander up to the bar.
Before they have chance to order, the landlord yells “oi, you two – get out”.
“Why?” asks the bemused brain.
“Because you’re out of your head and your mate looks like he’s about to start something,” replies the landlord, pointing them towards the door.
May 10, 2012
Gillian
Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have uncovered a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be the tomb of Pharoah Roche.
May 10, 2012
Vicky Cockett
Two Old Men
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:
‘Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says,
‘You know, I think my girl was dead!’
‘Dead?’ says his friend, ‘Why do you say that?’
‘Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.’ His friend says, ‘Could be worse I think mine was a witch.’
‘A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?’
”Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window….. took my teeth with her!’
May 10, 2012
sarah fleck
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
May 10, 2012
Lisa Marie Smith
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
May 10, 2012
ben larsen
A baby seal walks into a club.
May 10, 2012
Brimstone Rox
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’ Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ‘
The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’
The little boy replies, ‘The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
The Future is in deep s#it.’
May 10, 2012
Martin Rusby
i used to file my nails but then i thought whats the point in keeping them??
May 10, 2012
katherine grieve
A married couple was watching the show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”
At the end of the show, the man said to his wife, “I think we will have an early night.”
She answered, “Okay, but when I get to bed I am going straight to sleep.”
And he said, “Is that you final answer?”
She replied, “Yes.”
He said, “Okay, then I’m going to phone a friend.”
May 10, 2012
David Nash
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
May 10, 2012
Beverley
I saw my mate standing by the train tracks, so I asked him what he was up to. “I want to die, but I haven’t got the bottle to do it – if only someone would help me” he sobbed. So I shoved him under the next train. I bet he was chuffed to bits.
May 10, 2012
Stephen Scott
Have you heard about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field!
May 10, 2012
Hayley Todd
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
“That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.
The others raise their eyebrows.
“I’m getting a Fax,” he explains
May 10, 2012
alex cook
Why did the baker have dirty hands?
He kneaded a poo!
May 10, 2012
Laura Finch
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because its worth it!
May 10, 2012
David R
My grandad was feeling very ill so we had to take him to the hospital. They tried a new treatment involving rubbing butter all over him.
After that he went downhill very quickly.
May 10, 2012
Lois
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one – but the lightbulb has to want to change ….!
May 10, 2012
Allan Hill
Why are pirates hard to understand?
…They just Arrr!
May 10, 2012
tony higgins
two cough sweets were sat in a pub when one said”uh oh there is going too be trouble”"how do you know his friend answered”,”well do you see that locket who has just walked in he’s menthol”
May 10, 2012
Cathy
If you have 5 apples in one hand and 9 apples in the other hand, what do you have??
Really big hands!!
May 10, 2012
Merle Busch
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep in their tent.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well…
- Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
- Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
- Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
- Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
- Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
May 10, 2012
Lou C
3 Mice looking for somewhere to stay the night,
They’ve tried everywhere & are losing hope until the last hotel they come to feels sorry for them & lets them sleep in their bathroom.
They get to their room & the 1st mouse decides to sleep in the bath, the 2nd in the sink & the 3rd in the toilet.
In the morning they ask the 1st mouse how he slept?,
‘I slept well, just a little cold’
Then they ask the 2nd mouse how he slept?,
‘I slept okay, just a few showers in the night’
Then they ask the 3rd mouse how he had slept?,
‘Not good… First it started raining, then bombs started droping & if it wasn’t for that log, I would of drowned!’
May 10, 2012
Kirsty Norton
What do you call two robbers?
A pair of knickers!
May 10, 2012
tracey
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’
May 10, 2012
Ann
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Scott
Scott who?
Scott’s nothing to do with you!
May 10, 2012
Luisa L
I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow. “Ooh,” Said the presenter, “This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they’d fetch if they were alive?” “Sticks?” I replied.
May 10, 2012
Katherine moroney
How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden.
May 10, 2012
Edward
Two young ladies were sitting in the cinema watching a film, when one says to the other “The man next to me is masturbating”. “Take no notice of him” said her friend .
“How can I?” she says “He’s doing it with my hand!”
May 10, 2012
david smith
i came home this morning to find my wife dead inside
the washing machine i was gutted,but at least she died in comfort
May 10, 2012
Gary Taylor
Six policemen trained for close combat situations couldn’t get one 59 year old man with Alzheimers disease down without tazering him, how bad is that ?
The only consolation is that he wouldn’t have remembered it.
I’m sorry the old ones are always the best but the worst thing is that this is a true reflection of the UK today !
May 10, 2012
Jill Ashton
What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his bum!
May 10, 2012
Mark
I spent the night in a haunted house once and made a run for it when I heard steps coming from upstairs.
I don’t know which sicko was playing the CD but I didn’t hang around to find out!
May 10, 2012
mark r
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says ‘Ugh. thats the ugliest baby ive ever seen!’ The woman absolutely fuming goes to the back of the bus and sits down. She says to a man sat next to her ‘That driver just insulted me!’ The man replies ‘You go up there & tell him off, Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you’
May 10, 2012
Jane
Two caterpillars are crawling along the ground.
They look up and see a butterfly flying above.
One caterpillar says to the other caterpillar
You’ll never get me in one of those
May 10, 2012
Thomas
David cameron approached a prostitute. He said ‘I’m Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend some time with u?’. She replied, ‘Mr Prime Minister, if u can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your d*ck as hard as the times we live in & keep it rising like the price of petrol, & screw me the way u have the pensioners, then it won’t cost u a f*cking penny….
May 10, 2012
sharon woodruff
As I sat on the sofa eating some cereal in my underpants, I realised my laziness was becoming a serious issue.
Still though, washing up a bowl would have been such an effort
this always makes me chuckle xxx
May 10, 2012
Colin Poyntz
Man needed a brain transplant and the doctor told his relatives they had to pay for the brain! £2000 for a male brain, £300 for a female brain. “Why is the female brain so cheap?” asked one of the relatives, the doctor said “Because its been used.”
May 10, 2012
Andy
Blind man with a dog on a leash walks into a shop. Suddenly, he starts whirling the dog around on its leash, around his head. The manager rushes up to him and says ‘Are you alright, can I do anything for you’, ‘Oh its ok’, he replies, ‘I’m just looking around’.
May 10, 2012
anita roberts
what do you call a 3 legged donkey? a wonkey!!
May 10, 2012
carol phile
What do you call a man with one bongo on his head?
Tom!
May 10, 2012
Sarah Mills
Saw a fat bird walking down the road the other day, she had a t-shirt on saying hip hop…i think the letters c and s must have fallen of!
May 10, 2012
denise s
Sam Green and the vicar are playing golf. Sam Green isn’t good with a putter and every time he misses a putt he shouts ‘Damn, missed!’ After a few holes the vicar starts to get a bit upset. ‘Look here Sam, I’d really prefer it if you didn’t blaspheme like that – it’s not really acceptable’ he says. Sam apologises. But on the very next hole Sam’s putt slides inches past the cup. ‘Damn, missed!’ he yells. ‘Now look here Sam, if you blaspheme once more then I can tell you that God will strike you down’ says the vicar. Well, on the next hole Sam takes ages lining up his putt, clearing the green of leaves etc… and his putt stops just an inch short of the hole. He can’t help himself… ‘Damn, missed’ he yells. Suddenly a terrific bolt of lightning blasts down from the sky and hits the vicar.
A deep voice comes from on high… ‘Damn, missed!’
May 10, 2012
Maya Russell
So, a man walks into a bar and the barman says “What would you like to drink, Donkey?”
Another man sitting at the bar said “Why did he call you Donkey?”
The man said “Ee-aw, ee-aw, he always calls me that.”
May 10, 2012
K Fisher
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘What can I do for you?’
Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.’
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.’
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, ‘Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, ‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
‘Grumpy shagged a penguin!’
May 10, 2012
Jennifer Campbell
Boris Johnson.
May 10, 2012
Stacy Fenemore
Once there was a family of potatoes. A mum potato, a dad potato and a 18-year-old girl potato. One day, the girl potato, who was in college, came home to her parents house for a visit. “Mum, Mum,” she said, “I have something to tell you! I’m in love! I saw the man I’m going to marry!” “Who is it?” the mum potato asked. “It’s Des Lyman,” the daughter potato answered. “You better go tell your father,” the mum potato said. “Dad, Dad,” the girl potato said, “I’m in love! I saw the man I’m going to marry! It’s Des Lyman.” “What?” the father potato cried, “no daughter of mine is marrying Des Lyman.” “But Dad, why not?” the girl potato asked. “Because he’s nothing but a commentator.”
May 10, 2012
sian hallewell
Why did the apple stop running?
He ran out of juice!
May 10, 2012
colin gault
What do you call an Irishman hanging from the ceiling?
Sean D’Lear
May 10, 2012
john
Rory McIlroy drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland .
Paddy who knows nothing about golf says”Top o’ the morning to you sir”.
Rory nods & bends over to pick up the petrol nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket.
“What are those?”,asks Paddy.
“There called tees .They’re for resting my balls on when I am driving,” replies Rory.
“Feck me,”says Paddy, “BMW think of everything!”
May 10, 2012
Dan Upton
I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda yesterday.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
May 10, 2012
sue willshee
My husband loves eating couches. I think he has a suite tooth.
May 10, 2012
Leona Fisher
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen.”
May 10, 2012
Meryl Rees
Knock Knock
Who’s there
Europe
Europe who?
No I’m not, you are!
May 10, 2012
Olu Balogun
Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.
May 10, 2012
Zachary Hudson
Question: Which day of the week is most hated by fish?
Answer: Fry Day
May 10, 2012
Michael Finch
A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down…you’ll never guess!! …
“You’ve got Male!”
May 10, 2012
Laurie Maclean
Why are Pirates called Pirates??
Beacause they Arrrrrrrr!
May 10, 2012
Rebecca Cleary
Whats the fastest cake in the world???
Scone
(Geddit….S-Gone)
May 10, 2012
B
A man walks into a butcher’s shop and notices that the butcher is only 4 and a half feet tall.
“I bet you can’t reach that shelf of meat up there.” said the man.
The Butcher replies: “I’m sorry Sir but I can’t accept your bet; the stakes are too high.”
May 10, 2012
John Brunger
As an old man was driving down the motorway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Peter, I’ve just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Peter, “It’s not just one car. there’s blooming hundreds of them!”
May 10, 2012
Hannah Jeffery
What do you call a spider with no legs? ……. A currant.
May 10, 2012
Jay Hill
So this duck walks into a fish and chip shop and asks “Have you got any wallpaper?”.
The bloke behind the counter looks up and says “No, sorry sir, we’re a fish and chip shop, we don’t have wallpaper”.
The following day the same duck returns to the same shop and again asks “Have you got any wallpaper?”.
The bloke behind the counter replies “No sir, as I told you yesterday, we’re a fish and chip shop, we don’t have wallpaper”.
The next day the self same duck returns to the self same shop and yet again asks “Have you got any wallpaper?”.
This time the bloke behind the counter gets quite annoyed and says “Look here, as I keep on telling you, we’re a fish and chip shop, we don’t have wallpaper. If you come in here and ask that question one more time, I’ll nail your beak to the counter”.
The following day the duck is back once again at the shop. He walks in and asks the bloke behind the counter “Have you got any nails?”.
“No sir, we’re a fish and chip shop, we don’t have any nails”, comes the rather terse reply.
“Oh good” says the duck, “In that case, have you got any wallpaper?
May 10, 2012
Kev C
The brakes on my bike don’t work
So I bought a louder horn!!
)))))))
May 10, 2012
Kerry Webber
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lucy
Lucy who?
There’s lucy-lastic in my pants!
May 10, 2012
Nicky Butler
What do you do if a bird poo’s on your car?
Dont ask her out again!
May 10, 2012
Anna
Wha did the snail do while sitting on the turtles back?
Wooohooooo!
May 10, 2012
Maleeka Allen
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
May 10, 2012
Rob Lawton
Knock, knock…
- Who’s There
Tanks.
- Tanks who?
Tanks for the Apple TV!
May 10, 2012
Liam Gallagher
What’s long brown and sticky?
A stick!
May 10, 2012
Pauline g
My boss said to me ‘Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?’
I said ‘its because I’m allergic to peanuts!’
May 10, 2012
Fred
What is the most common owl in Britain?
The teatowel.
(TAXI!)
May 10, 2012
Colette Mellor
A man gets lost in a hot air balloon. He looks down and sees a farmer in a field so he shouts, “Where am I?” The farmer looks up and replies, “You can’t fool me, you’re in that basket!”
May 10, 2012
Lauren W
What’s the fastest cake?
‘scone!!
May 10, 2012
sandra cloud
A policeman walking down the street when he stumbles upon 2 drunks on the pavement,one with his trousers and pants down and the other blowing up his arse.
“what are you doing” asks the policeman,”I am giving him the kiss of life” says the drunk.
“shouldn’t you be up the other end”,says the policeman.
“NO WAY”,says the drunk,”HAVE YOU SMELT HIS FUCKING BREATH”.
May 10, 2012
melissa cannon
What’s invisible and smells of mince pies??
Santas farts !!
May 10, 2012
Michelle Rayner
A man walks into a bar
‘Ouch!’
It was an iron bar
May 10, 2012
Dan VaREY
WHY DID THE BAKER HAVE BROWN HANDS
BECAUSE HE KNEADED A POO !!
May 10, 2012
Matt Delicate
I was in Zavvi today and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”?
May 10, 2012
Tanya Heenan
Why did Tigger look down the toilet? Coz he was looking for Pooh.
May 10, 2012
Lance
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
The meat he was eating was chewy
May 10, 2012
Janine Atkin
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
“I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?”
“My husband’s.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”
May 10, 2012
Rachel Harding
I want to be a scarecrow so I can be outstanding in my field.
May 10, 2012
Andy
Knock Knock…..
Who’s there?
Done up.
Done up who?
Ewwwwwwww
May 10, 2012
Lisa Waugh
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
May 10, 2012
Helen Hodson
Cops raided Kermit’s lily pad last night and found hundreds of naked pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frog’s porn they’d ever seen… waka-waka-waka!
(Thought it was fitting as the new Muppet movie is out soon….)
May 10, 2012
seb mason
Do you know what the iPhone said to the Blackberry? “iWork”
May 10, 2012
Jamie Gotheridge
I entered 10 puns into a pun competition hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.
May 10, 2012
gerald ludlow
A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!
The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
May 10, 2012
David cloud
there were 3 balloons,Mummy,Daddy and baby balloon.
They all went to bed but Baby balloon couldn’t sleep so he crept into mummy and daddys bed but couldn’t fit in so he let some air out of mummy balloon and tried to get in but couldn’t so he let some air out of daddy balloon and tried to get into the bed again but he couldn’t, so he let some air out of his own balloon and was able to get into the bed and fell asleep.
in the morning,Daddy balloon says to Baby balloon, you know that you are not allowed in our bed and to sleep in your own bed,I am really disappointed in you son,not only have you let me down,you have let your mother down and most of all,you have let yourself down….
May 10, 2012
Danielle Vedmore
Always remember you’re unique – just like everyone else.
xoxo
May 10, 2012
Paul Nichol
I spent the night in a haunted house once and made a run for it when I heard steps coming from upstairs.
I don’t know which sick idiot was playing the CD but I didn’t hang around to find out.
May 10, 2012
Anil Jassi
What did the traffic light say to the lorry?
Don’t look, I’m changing!
May 10, 2012
Matt Davidson
A man ordered a blow-up doll online and it arrived a few days later in discreet packaging. He duly inflated the doll, but it had developed a puncture and kept going down on him…
May 10, 2012
carolann gaul
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director,” said his wife.lol
May 10, 2012
Jenny Barker
A family are driving behind a bin lorry when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry; that was an insect.”
To which, her son replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that.”
May 10, 2012
Alison
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard?Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
May 10, 2012
Gareth Schofield
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
May 10, 2012
Hayley Turner
Where do Aliens keep their sandwiches?
In a Launch box
May 10, 2012
Johan Sijbesma
A computer programmer didn’t show up for work for almost three weeks before his colleagues noticed, finally they called the police. The Police went around to his house and broke into his house, they found him dead in the shower. The shower was still running and next to him was an empty bottle of shampoo.
The Policeman looked at the instructions on the bottle….
* Wet hair
* Apply shampoo
* Wait 2 minutes
* Rinse
* Repeat
The coroner struggled to work out the exact cause of death, but after speaking to the dead man’s programmer friends he logged the death as a Fatal Exception Error – due to running out of shampoo.
May 10, 2012
Steve
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
May 10, 2012
Stevie M
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.
He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’.
‘Is it common?’I asked.
‘It’s not unusual’ he replied…..
May 10, 2012
caz
A kid goes to his dad”whats the difference between potential and reality”.His dad says go ask ya mum if she”ll sleep with robert redford for a million pound,then go ask ya sister if she”ll sleep with brad pitt for million pound also,The young boy does as he,s told and returns to his dad.The father says “what did they say son”The boy replies “they both said yes……..but you still havent told me the difference between potential and reality”The father retorts”well son ,potentially were sitting on 2 million pound but in reality we,re living with a pair of slags”…….
May 10, 2012
Amanda
Our local Ironmongers had to re home his dog so we decided to have him, however, when we got him home the first thing he did was make a bolt for the door.
May 10, 2012
Ellie M
What’s R2D2 short for?
Because it’s got little legs.
May 10, 2012
Caroline Hammond
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
May 10, 2012
Tony Weston
A ship carrying blue paint crashed into a ship carrying red paint. All of the crew were marooned.
May 10, 2012
Tina Holmes
Cracker joke.. What hides in a bakery at Christmas… Mince spies lol
May 10, 2012
Elisabeth Barnwell
Doctor Doctor can’t feel my legs sorry mate we had to cut your arms off
May 10, 2012
Michael Duggan
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
May 10, 2012
Natalie Robinson
What is Steve Jobs’ favourite breakfast cereal?
He doesn’t have one. He’s dead.
May 10, 2012
Ian Campbell
“Incontinence hotline…can you hold, please?”
May 10, 2012
Adam Appleby
A teacher said to a pupil, “if i gave you two rabbits, another two rabbits and another two rabbits to take home, how many rabbits would you have?” The pupil replied “7″. The teacher said “no that’s wrong, listen to what i say, if i gave you two rabbits another two rabbits and another two rabbits to take home, how many would you have?” The boy again replied “7″. The teacher then said “right lets try something else, if i give you 2 apples another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many apples would you have?” The pupil replied “6″. The teacher then said “very good, lets try the original question, if i gave you 2 rabbits another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits to take home how many would you have?” The pupil again replied “7″. The teacher, slightly annoyed now, asks the pupil “how do you keep coming up 7 rabbits when we do the rabbit question and the correct answer when we did the apple question?” The pupil said to his teacher “I’ve already got a rabbit at home”.
May 11, 2012
Lesley Bain
How do you make a hankie dance?
Put a little boogie in it
May 11, 2012
Gary Bostock
Took my mother in law out last night – one punch!!
May 11, 2012
Beth
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, “Your thing doesn’t have any skin on it!”
“I’ve been circumcised.”, the other replied.
“What’s that mean?”
“It means they cut the skin off the end.”
“How old were you when it was cut off?”
“My mum said I was two days old.”
“Did it hurt?”, the kid asked inquiringly.
“You bet it hurt, I didn’t walk for a year!”
May 11, 2012
sarah lee
Paddy was doing his first parachute jump and as he jumped out of the plane he forgot all the instructions he had been given and couldnt remember how to open his chute – as he was plummeting to earth he saw a man coming up towards him at high speed – paddy shouted ‘do ya know how to open a parachute den? And the man said ‘no and i dont know how to fix gas boilers either’.
May 11, 2012
Arturo
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
May 11, 2012
Michael Horsfield
paddy and murphy sat on a aeroplane…… paddy says to murphy if this plane goes upsidedown will we fall out?….. murphy says no paddy well always be friends
May 11, 2012
jo
A man walks into the Doctor’s and says ‘Doctor Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter’
Doctor looks at him and says ‘Sorry, I don’t follow you’
May 11, 2012
Emma Snaith
Yesterday I accidentally gave my friend a glustick instead of chapstick.
She is still not speaking to me…!
May 11, 2012
Rebecca Parsons
What do you call a 3 legged donkey?………
…….A Wonky!
May 11, 2012
rennene
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted” and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (Editor’s note: The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.
“Where’s Christian?” he asked.
“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark”, came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,”It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”
Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”
Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.”
“I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again, Christian!”
May 11, 2012
Charlotte
what’s cheese isn’t yours?
NA-CHO cheese
May 11, 2012
Pauline Appleton
Hubby told me everyone needs something to play with when they get older so i got myself a toyboy
May 11, 2012
Trevor
Did you hear about the farmer who won an award for being outstanding in his field?
May 11, 2012
Michelle Bruce
Your Momma is so fat that when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders was starting on TV.
May 11, 2012
Martin Porter
I’ve given up putting money on horses. It just keeps falling off.
May 11, 2012
Matthew Daniel
A woman gets on a train with her baby. The conductor says “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman takes a seat on the train. Angrily she says to the man next to her “The conductor just insulted me!” The man says “You go up there and tell him off. Go on I will keep an eye on your monkey for you.”
May 11, 2012
william Hope
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin…g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: “You deserved it, you horny bastard!” And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land.”
May 11, 2012
Cheryl D
Why did the baker have brown fingers???
Because he needed a poo!
(kneaded) Gettit??
May 11, 2012
JOHN MEAD
I went to the doctors this morning and he told me I had water on the knee! I said “Yeah, I know Doc, its raining outside!!
May 11, 2012
Rebecca Denyer
My 7 year old sons favourite joke is
Where can you find a dog with one leg??
Where you left him
Its corny but always makes me laugh
May 11, 2012
suzzee langton
A man walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The landlord says Ill serve you so long as you dont start anything!
May 11, 2012
adelle gow
Be nice to your children – they choose your nursing home
May 11, 2012
Natasha Gandy
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M6 Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of Parliament, and they’re asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
‘We’re going from car to car collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”
May 11, 2012
R, kalhan
what do yuo call a man who lives between two houses ?
Ali
May 11, 2012
geoff lee
whats the difference between your wife and a terrorist?
you can negotiate with a terrorist!
May 11, 2012
antonia j richardson
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden
May 11, 2012
Kristy Brown
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
May 11, 2012
shirley giles
Did you hear about the new Viagra you can put in your tea?
It does nothing for you lovelife, but does stop your buscuits from going soggy!
May 11, 2012
julia oldam
I Grew up in a Rough Part of Town. The local Yobs used to cover me in chocolate and cream and then put a cherry on my head
Yes life was tough in the Gateau
May 11, 2012
Annette Milligan
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
May 11, 2012
Claire Trevor
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. His eyes are glazed and he doesn’t seem to be breathing. The other guy grabs his phone and calls 999. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What should I do?”. The operator says “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
May 11, 2012
catherine shaw
Which fish cant swim? Dead ones
May 11, 2012
robert pirie-warsop
what do you call a deer with no eyes …. no idea
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? still no idea
May 11, 2012
Zoe
I told the butcher I’d give him £20 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn’t. The steaks were too high.
May 11, 2012
Michelle McCole
in olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.
Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven’t changed at all!
May 11, 2012
Harsha West
When asked how he would like to die, one old man said “Like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming or yelling like the passengers in the car that he was driving2
May 11, 2012
James Maguire
Vidal Sassoon’s funeral won’t be televised, but you’ll be able to see the highlights
May 11, 2012
Brian Williams
The Pope is visiting Liverpool and is giving out blessings to sick children. Billy walks up to him and asks, “Can you help me with my hearing, Holy Father?”
The Pope nods his head, puts his hands over Billy’s ears, then prays. He releases his hands and says, “How is your hearing now, my child?”
Billy replies, “I don’t know, it’s not ’til next Wednesday.”
May 11, 2012
B Hinchcliffe
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac ( BOOM BOOM
May 11, 2012
Rachel Dann
The other day I sent my boyfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?
May 11, 2012
Charmaine
If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey, would you be stoned off your ass?!
May 11, 2012
Hayley Davies
Conjunctivitus.com
Now there’s a site for sore eyes!
May 11, 2012
JOANNE ROXBURGH
What happenend to the gay magician?
He went of with a “puff”.
May 11, 2012
john patten
a hear there was ugly scenes outside man city ground other night tevez & lescot turned up!
May 11, 2012
Tanya Skinner
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
May 11, 2012
Michael Cannon
The last time I went on holiday, I flew with BA. It was terrible. He kept shouting: ‘You crazy foo’. I ain’t gettin’ on no plane!
May 11, 2012
Sam Whistler
Me and my friend were playing chess, and he said ‘Let’s make this interesting!’ So we stopped playing chess.
May 11, 2012
Shona Jones
Two fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
May 11, 2012
Paul Stanley
Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes
May 11, 2012
paul jones
The answer is I LIKE IT APPLIED ANALLY.
Hang on! ….. Is this even the right comp?
May 11, 2012
lee henstridge
A telesales person phones a house and a little boy answers and this is what is said…..
“hello” (in a whisper)
“hi,is your mum there?”"yeah” (in a whisper)….”can i speak to her?”"no sorry”(in a whisper)…”um is your dad there?”yeah”(in a whisper)….”can i speak to him?”"no sorry”(in a whisper)”is anyone else there?”"Yeah,a fireman and a police man”(in a whisper)…”oh,can i speak to them?”"no sorry”(in a whisper)…”why?”….”there looking for me!”
May 11, 2012
Marc DeJonge
Man walks into a bar with a giraffe. The giraffe gets absolutely paraletic and collapses on the floor. Barman says “you can’t leave that lying there!”. Man replies “that’s not a lion, it’s a GIRAFFE!!”.
May 11, 2012
Carrie Nugent
I shall have to tell you the joke my five year old tells me, it never fails to make me chuckle!
Why did the man grow into a pie???
Because his name was PIE-FACE!
oK, that might not tickle you as it does me, as I am his biased mother with a stupid soh, but my joke is…
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, “Can you help me when you get home?”
“Sure baby,” he replies. “What’s the problem?”
“Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can’t even find the edge pieces.” She wailed.
“Look on the box babe,” he said. “There’s always a picture of what the puzzle is.”
“Well,It’s a big tiger head!” she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, “Okay darling, lets put the Frosties back in the box.”
May 11, 2012
Emma Cusimano
My friend said we can do an around the world trip for less than £1000..I said you’re zavvin a laugh ….
May 11, 2012
Kerry Davis
Why did the fish blush? Because the sea weed
May 11, 2012
Elaine
Why did the pig run away from home?
Because his father was a boar!
May 11, 2012
KEN
due to the water shortage all the leisure centre swimming pools in ireland are closing lanes 1 & 2 to save water
May 11, 2012
Bob Whitehouse
I have just got back from the holiday of a lifetime.
‘Never again’!!!
May 11, 2012
Carrie Humphries
A man goes to a tropical island for a holiday.
As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island.
As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on.
The native casts about nervously and says, “Very bad when the drumming stops.”
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going on and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop.
The native looks as if he has just been reminded of something very unpleasant. “Very bad when the drumming stops,” he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, our tourist is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native and shouts, “What happens when the drumming stops?!”
The scared native answers, “Bass solo.”
May 11, 2012
Mike Brees
I was watching football on TV when I noticed some dust on top of the set. I gave the unit a tap to remove it and Drogba fell over.
May 11, 2012
Leanne Rowlands
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me….
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod!!
May 11, 2012
R M Davies
As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid.”What’s the problem, fellow?” asked his seat mate.”Surely,” said the Englishman, “you’ve heard the saying, ‘The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!!”
May 11, 2012
Alastair Pert
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
“Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man” says his friend.
The man replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
May 11, 2012
Lee Halliday
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
May 11, 2012
Kate O'Neill
What colour is a hiccup?
Burple
May 11, 2012
kuli lombardelli
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
May 11, 2012
Gail Bean
How do you describe a hungry horse in four letters? MTGG
May 11, 2012
stuart martin
What happened to the wooden cat?
wood ent move!
What happened to the wooden car?
wood en go!
May 11, 2012
Richard Robinson
A man from the RSPCA knocked on my door this morning. He said “We’ve had a complaint that you’ve been overfeeding your cat. Apparently it weighs the best part of four stone.” I said “it’s not a cat.” “oh” he replied,” “there must be some mistake, is it a dog?” I said,”No it’s a hamster.”
May 11, 2012
suzie morgan
A primary school teacher is new to a class, and has been told that the children have been told to use grown up words only.
During his first lesson, in an attempt to understand what the children are learning he asks little Johnny what they reading at the moment.
And Johnny replies “winney the shit”
May 11, 2012
LISA
Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won’t be able to see anyone.
May 11, 2012
MARK
My wife complained the other day that our kitchen clock almost killed her mother.
It fell seconds after where she had been sitting. That darned clock always was slow.
May 11, 2012
RICHARD
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
May 11, 2012
Thelma
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac.
May 11, 2012
THOMAS
Person 1 says : Where is the English Channel?
Person 2 replies : I’m not sure. We don’t get it on our TV.
May 11, 2012
Sue Harrison
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”
May 11, 2012
Anne Balfour
What do you call a penguin with an orange nose?
A penguin
May 11, 2012
Richard Gleaves
Q. How much does Harry Potter charge for a ride on his broomstick?
A. A Quid each.
May 11, 2012
Kristen Dutton
Two cows in a field and one said,
“Moo”
then the other said
“Arghh, I was just gonna say that!”
May 11, 2012
Lee Clarke
Just to spice things up I said to my wife, “We’ll do a bit of role playing tonight.”
She was well up for it.
So I said, ” You dress up like Whitney Houston, and I’ll run you a
bath…”
May 11, 2012
AbigailFlynn
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a man in a suit drinking whiskey.
The men start talking and the man in the suit says “ths is magic whiskey, i can jump from the roof of this bar an be completely fine” the second man doubting him asks for him to prove it. The suited man drinks a shot and climbs the 3flights of stairs to the roof and jumps, the 2nd man schocked wat,ched him float down slowly an walk back to the bar.
“it must be a trick!” says the second man and asks the man to do it 2 more times, so the suited man takes his shot of whiskey an jumps each time floating slowly to the ground.
The first man says “I’ve gotta try this” takes a shot of whiskey an climbs to the roof, he jumps and falls full speed.
Inside the bartender turns to the suited man while pouring him more whiskey an says “you’ve got a horrible sense of humour superman”.
May 11, 2012
Caroline
spent last weekend camping with my girlfriend. That was intents!!!!
May 11, 2012
Lee Roy Johnson
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. “Can I help you?” she asks. “I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”
The man replies, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”
May 11, 2012
Lau Louise Mason
Two nuns were riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome.
One turns to the other and says, “I’ve never come this way before”.
The other nun says, “It’s the cobblestones”.
May 11, 2012
John Paul McGee
Two fish in a tank, one turns round to the other and says “Here, do you know how to drive this thing?”
May 11, 2012
Sally Beeden
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
May 11, 2012
Josie Mellor
A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
May 11, 2012
d mullooly
why was the fish expelled from his school? he was caught with seaweed
May 11, 2012
sarah kirk
A man goes to the vet about his dog’s fleas. The vet says: ‘I’m sorry, I’ll have to put this dog down.’ The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: ‘Because he’s far too heavy’
May 11, 2012
JOHN PEPWORTH
What’s green and smells?
Kermits bum
May 11, 2012
Kev Seeds
Little Jonny came running in the house. “Quick dad” he said, “is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?” His dad said that they did. “Give me one quick then” said Jonny, “I’ve just put the football through his bedroom window.”
May 11, 2012
michael boothby
True story: a woman told me this joke in the presence of her 5-year-old son, who laughed at it. I asked, “Isn’t that joke unsuitable for children?” She looked at me oddly and said, “Don’t you get it? Hard…boiled…egg?” Then she immediately clued in to the double entendre and angrily said “Oh, YOU!” as if it was my fault the joke had sexual undertones.
May 11, 2012
Christine Johnson
Mummy can l lick the bowl
No dear flush it like everyone else
May 11, 2012
Julie Hogg
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please… and one for the road.”
May 11, 2012
Tim Anderson
Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
May 11, 2012
Heather Ellis
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea!
May 11, 2012
A Scrase
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
May 11, 2012
jill collinson
Whats big red and eats rocks?
A big red rock eater!
May 11, 2012
ALLY WEBB
What’s brown and smelly and sits on a wall?
Humpty Dump
May 11, 2012
carole denney
A woman walks into a bar,orders the finest bottle of Champage then pours in down her knickers.Barman says ‘what was that for’, woman replies ‘I have just won the lottery and this is the only c**t i’m sharing it with’.
May 11, 2012
Alison Reid
what did the fish say when it swam into a wall??
dam!
May 11, 2012
Sarah
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar!!
May 11, 2012
John
2 prostitutes are stood on a corner, one turns to the other and asks
“have you been picked up by the fuzz yet?”
“No” the other replied “But I have been swung round by my tits.”
May 11, 2012
Lisa Dunne
Porn has ruined my life.
My boiler has gone and I’m scared to call the plumber.
May 11, 2012
Philip Mason
What goes ….. tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,tap,THUD
A centipede with a wooden leg
(works brill if you send it as a text to a landline)
May 11, 2012
sarah gray
a piece of rope walked into a bar and asked for a pint.
landlord says – “im not serving a piece of rope with a pint – get out! ”
the piece of rope, most put out says “im a frayed knot!”
May 11, 2012
Hazel
Why was Cinderella kicked out of the football team?
Because she kept running away from the ball.
May 11, 2012
Mark
A man walks into a library and says, ‘Can I have some fish and chips please’.
The librarian says, ‘Sir this is a library.’ and the man replies whispering, ‘Sorry, can i have a fish and chips please.’
May 11, 2012
Jo
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
May 11, 2012
Joanne Goodridge
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
May 11, 2012
Greg
The NHS have announced there will be no more circumcisions this year due to large cut backs!
May 11, 2012
Duncan Campbell
When I go golfing I always take two pairs of trousers with me – just in case I get a hole in one!
May 11, 2012
jayne
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only underwear made of cling film. The psychiatrist says, “Well…I can clearly see your nuts.
May 11, 2012
Paul Kay
A classic 80′s joke – Where does Kylie Minogue buy her Kebabs ? …..Jasons Donnervan.
May 11, 2012
Daniel Murdy
I was in Starbuck`s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better.I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod.
May 11, 2012
George Spedding
Hear about the magic tractor, it turned into a field
May 11, 2012
keighley baxter
about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He’s not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, “Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?” She looks at him and says, “yes”. He says, “well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail.” She says, “I already know that. I don’t see what the problem is.” He says, ” don’t you see!!! I would have gotten out today!”
May 11, 2012
Yvette D
The magic tractor drove up the lane and turned into a field!
May 11, 2012
Lee Gardner
What is ET Short for
Cos he has little legs
May 11, 2012
Amy Bennett
Why couldn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he had chewing gum stuck to his foot.
May 11, 2012
Rob
I just put my phone on ‘Airplane Mode’ and then threw it as high as i could.
Worst transformation ever.
May 12, 2012
Stacey Pryce
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the p**s/pee out of the pants. HAHA =)
May 12, 2012