Fed up wasting you time with a washed up looser? Then look no further the ultimate and pleasantly proportioned pocket partner. Totally silent, this big hunk o'love has eyes only for you. That's right, no wandering eyes, ogling other women, and general bad lad behaviour.

At least with our product you get woman-time with your friends, and get to talk to a totally attentive partner, who doesn't interrupt with inane comments every few seconds. So go on revolutionise your world, take this aid to true marital bliss home and utter these word...

All your friends will like him...
He won't upset your parents...
Always willing to please...
He's not really into his football...
Never breaks wind...
Eternally faithful...
Good listener...
Useful flotation device...surely the perfect man?