Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events

Dear Viewer
If you enjoy movies filled with singing rabbits, exploding spaceships, or cheerleaders, you are holding the wrong DVD entirely.
This movie is extremely alarming, an expression which here means "a thrilling misadventure involving three ingenious orphans and a villainous actor named Count Olaf (Jim Carrey) who wants their enormous fortune". It includes a suspicious fire, delicious pasta, Jim Carrey, poorly behaved leeches, Billy Connolly, an incredibly deadly viper, Meryl Streep, and the voice of an imposter named Jude Law. The only things that could make such a spectacle more upsetting are special features, such as commentary by me or outtakes involving nervous laughter.
I am bound to continue my research into the lives of the Baudelaire orphans, but you are free to seek lighter fare, like bleu cheese fondue.
With all due respect.
Lemony Snicket.